the “ex” factor

Yesterday, wearing my recently acquired suit, I went to attend the wedding of one of my closest friends.  The second one, to uh, “bite the bullet”. The ceremony was beautiful and attended only by those closest to the couple.  It just so happens that one of the couple’s closest friends was an ex of mine – Mr. No Commitment.  I already knew beforehand that he was coming and we even talked the night before because we were supposed to meet up with another set of my friends whom he had grown close to when we were still together.

It was the first time after a long time (about more than 2 years) that I would see him again.  Although we had begun to communicate again during the latter part of 2009, we didn’t have a chance to meet up, probably because there was really no effort on both sides to find a way for that to happen.  I was surprised to find myself excited to see him again and I could feel something stir inside me.

When I saw him enter the reception hall, I felt my pulse quicken.  I pointed him out to my friends, trying not to sound too excited.  But alas, my friends knew me better.  With knowing smiles etched on their faces, they greeted Mr. No Commitment with hugs when he approached our table.  All throughout the reception I tried my best to act very nonchalant and made sure that he didn’t notice the beginnings of an internal struggle brewing inside me.

The couple had asked Mr. No Commitment to sing during the reception.  I was on the buffet table helping myself to dinner when I heard his all too familiar voice as he crooned “How Did You Know”.  I almost dropped my plate.  I forgot how good he was at singing.  The internal struggle changed from a slight simmer to near boiling point.  I felt my blood rush to my face as I quickly composed myself and returned to my seat.  Luckily for me, my seat was in such a position that my back was facing him.  I stole quick furtive glances while he was singing (which was all I could afford by the way, seeing how my friends – with their knowing smiles – were looking at me).

After the reception, Mr. No Commitment and I went back to my place to change for our night out with my other friends.  While changing to our less formal clothes, we would ask the other to turn around while the other was changing.  We both joked about how “we’ve already seen each other with nothing on” but I didn’t want to risk anything. I knew I wanted something to happen, but I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea to pursue.

While en route to meet up with my friends, we exchanged stories about how our  lives have changed since we, uh, uncoupled.  He was surprised at how different (translation: more liberated) my views now are as compared to when we were together.  I on the other hand, was amused at how he had changed from the party boy i knew to a homebody who didn’t feel the need to even date and go out.

All throughout the evening, I found myself touching his arms, his back or his legs while chatting with my friends. It was nice and it felt right, just like I never stopped doing it for years.  I began to ask myself the question:

“Have we matured enough to give it one more shot?”

Quite frankly, I don’t know the answer.  As I shared with my friends (while Mr. No Commitment was conveniently in the rest room), I can still feel a very strong attraction towards him and I had a very strong feeling that he felt the same way.  I could see it with the way he looked at me, and how our body parts (from our knees, arms, shoulders or even fingers) would touch “innocently” while talking or laughing at something funny.

When he brought me home, I asked him if he wanted to come up (which of course, we both knew, would lead to something else).  He declined since it was already close to 5 a.m. in the morning.  I was actually okay with him not coming up because I had to wake up early as well and I still wasn’t sure if I really wanted something to happen between us.

I was afraid that the sheer force of it will catapult me back to being in love (or was it obsessed? haha) with him.  I wasn’t sure if what I felt for him was just vulnerability, having broken up with my recent boyfriend just a couple of weeks ago.  We promised to keep in touch and too see each other more.  What that will lead to, only time will tell.

Mr. No Commitment has definitely changed, I could see that.  But as my friend pointed out (to which my brain agrees to), Mr. No Commitment still is as he was… Mr. No Commitment.  Do I really think I’m mature enough to handle that?

My brain says “No”… but my heart and my loins tell me otherwise.  Who will win? Again… only time will tell.

and then 2010…

And so another year came to a close. At first I though 2009 wasn’t THAT exciting, but during the last quarter, 2009 decided it wasn’t done with me yet.  In those final three months before a new year would begin, choices were made that definitely changed me.

First off, I was finally able to move on to a new job.  This time, I’m working for a large conglomerate with a very diverse portfolio.  The work is exciting and the people I meet are interesting, to say the least. I just can’t seem to shrug the feeling though, that I jumped from the frying pan into the fire (with my luck I probably did! Haha).  The new job entails me to become a master at office politics to dodge bullets directly or indirectly aimed at me (yikes!).  I’m still here, so I guess I’m doing better than some of my predecessors who only lasted about a month or so.  Let’s see.

One significant event occured during Christmas Eve.  I’ve been meaning to have it happen for the longest time already, but there were just too many things going on that I decided to put it off.  Finally, when December 24 came, I knew that it was the right time.  The whole day I was fidgety, pre-occupied and stressed at how things would turn out.  On Christmas Eve, I finally decided to open the closet doors and let myself out.  I finally mustered enough courage to tell my mom who I really was.

It was very hard to start at first, but when I did, the rest followed.  It helped that my mom was very open to the idea and encouraged me to just say what I wanted to say.  She would politely ask questions and was genuinely interested to hear my answers.  It was also during our conversation that I came to realize how much my Mom did love me.  She accepts me for who I am and is not ashamed of what I choose to become.

It’s such a great feeling that I am now finally out of the closet and that the person most important to me, already knows who I  truly am.  It’s such a relief to not worry about being found out and hurting the people I care the most. When I woke up the next morning, I was afraid that things would change in my relationship with my mom.  I’m very happy to say that things didn’t change.  It was as if she had known all along and that I had never kept a very big secret.  There were a couple of times during the day that I asked myself if my “talk” with her was just a dream.

As I bid my goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010 with open arms, I promised myself that I will make things right or at least fight valiantly to set things right.  And the best part is… I think I’m on the right track.

’nuff said.

an ode to don quixote…

About a month ago, I hailed a cab on my way home after staying very very late in the office.  After giving instructions to the cab driver on where to go, I focused my attention on the small tv screen right in front of me.  The small tv screen was placed behind the front passenger seat. From what I know, its a new form of advertising that started with buses, waiting stations and convenience stores and is all the rage nowadays.  Apparently, cab owners and operators alike did not want to be left out so they installed these devices in their taxi cabs.  This is actually the second time that I’ve ridden a cab with the installed tv screen.

Anyway, the screen mostly shows inane ads and short “America’s Funniest Videos” type of uh, well, videos.  The tv helps to whittle away the boredom specially when you’re stuck in traffic, but after a couple of minutes, the looped video gets boring.

What piqued my interest was this short animation about a penguin, or some duck or bird-like animal with small wings.  (Sorry can’t give much of a description… the animation was kooky, so I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of animal I was looking at, suffice to say it was a penguin).  The animation began with the penguin (let’s call him “Pen” for short), hauling trees and doing what appears to be the very daunting task of securing them on the side of a cliff with a hammer, nails and some rope.  Pen continues on with this task until he has sufficiently and haphazardly (and unbelievably, if I might add) nailed about 20 or so trees on the side of the cliff.

The shot then pans and we see little Pen looking down at his handywork from the top edge of the cliff.  From there, the viewer is given a chance to see what Pen is seeing while looking down: trees were nailed and secured on the side of the cliff.

I began to think “What the?!?”, but before I could finish my train of thought, little Pen ran away from the edge of the cliff reminiscent of a plane preparing for take off.  Then without warning, Pen runs towards the edge of the cliff and jumps over the edge.   You then see Pen falling nose-down into the side of the cliff.  I was incredulous “what the hell is this little guy thinking?!?”

Then the camera angle changes to landscape and you begin to understand why Pen went through all the trouble of nailing the trees to the side of the cliff.  When the angle changes, Pen appears to be flying over a field of trees, when in reality he is actually falling.  Pen flaps his feather-less wings (stumps would be a more accurate description) and closes his eyes to take in the mirage that he had created, a facade to make himself believe that he could fly.

Pen then continues to fall down the cliff and disappears as he falls further down.  The animation fades to black and you are left wondering what happend to the little guy who thought he could.

I was actually perturbed after seeing the short animation.  I felt sorry for little Pen who had to resort to such machinations to delude himself into thinking that he could fly.  Despite the impending doom awaiting Pen at the bottom of the cliff, he appeared to be the happiest, uh, creature. Pen reminded me of another character plagued with delusions of grandeur – Don Quixote, who became obsessed with books of chivalry, and believed their every word to be true, despite the fact that many of the events in them are clearly impossible.  Despite how insane both Pen and Don Quixote appeared to the outside world, they genuinely appeared to be happy and content… something that I haven’t been for the longest time.(

(NOTE: I found this draft of a post I wrote about less than a year ago, around Dec. 24, 2008. Decided to port it over here with a new date)

About a month ago, I hailed a cab on my way home after staying very very late in the office.  After giving instructions to the cab driver on where to go, I focused my attention on the small LCD screen right in front of me which was conveniently installed behind the front passenger seat. From what I know, its a new form of advertising that started with buses, waiting stations and convenience stores and has become the “new thing” in advertising nowadays.  Apparently, cab owners and operators alike did not want to be left out so they installed these small LCD screens inside their taxi cabs.  This was actually the second time that I have chanced upon a cab with the installed tv screen.

Anyway, the screen mostly shows inane ads and short “America’s Funniest Videos” type of uh, well, videos.  It helps to whittle away the boredom specially when you’re stuck in traffic, but after a couple of minutes, the looped videos getboring.

What piqued my interest was this short animation about a kiwi, or some duck or bird-like animal with no wings.  (Sorry can’t give much of a description. The animation was kooky, so I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of animal I was looking at. The animation said it was a Kiwi so I guess I can’t argue with the author).

The short animation began with Kiwi, pulling a rope and tying it to a tree. He appears to be securing the tree on the side of a cliff with a hammer, nails and some rope.  Kiwi continues on with this task until he has sufficiently and haphazardly (and unbelievably, if I might add) nailed about 20 or so trees on the side of the cliff.

The shot then pans and we see little Kiwi looking down at his handywork from the top edge of the cliff.  From there, the viewer is given a chance to see what Kiwi was seeing while looking down: trees nailed and secured on the side of the cliff.  Kiwi was jumping up and down with joy and clapping his feet together in evident pride for what he has accomplished.

I began to think “What the?!?“, but before I could continue, little Kiwi ran away from the edge of the cliff and returned with those old fighter plane goggles secured on top of his head.  Then without warning, Kiwi jumps over the edge of the cliff, falling nose-down into the side of the cliff.  I was incredulous. “What the hell was this little guy thinking?!?“

The camera angle changes to landscape and you begin to understand why little Kiwi went through all the trouble of nailing the trees to the side of the cliff.  As the camera angle changes, he appears to be flying over a field of trees, when in reality he is actually falling down the edge of the cliff.  Kiwi stretches out his feather-less wings (stumps would be a more accurate description) and continues to fall.  As closes his eyes to take in the mirage that he had created, a facade to make himself believe that he could fly, you see a tear blown away by the wind.

Little Kiwi then continues to fall down the cliff and disappears as he falls further down.  The animation fades to black and you are left wondering what happend to the little guy who thought he could.

I was actually perturbed after seeing the short animation.  I felt sorry for little Kiwi who had to resort to such machinations to delude himself into thinking that he could fly.  Despite the impending doom awaiting Kiwi at the bottom of the cliff, he appeared to be the happiest, uh, creature. Kiwi reminded me of another character plagued with delusions of grandeur – Don Quixote, who became obsessed with books of chivalry, and believed their every word to be true, despite the fact that many of the events in them are clearly impossible.  Regardless of how insane both Kiwi and Don Quixote appeared to the outside world, they were genuinely happy and content… something that I haven’t been for the longest time.

’nuff said.

the new stuff…

Okay guys, as I posted a couple of days ago, I have been porting over my old posts to this new blog and I’ve decided to spice things up a bit.  I’ve been writing on and off for as far back as I can remember (including my paper journals and other written works prior to blogging) and I sometimes find myself stumped for new ideas to write about.

I promised myself that despite my very hectic work and personal life, I would continue writing for many reasons, the most important of which is provide myself with an avenue to just let myself go and unleash thoughts which, If I voiced to my friends or strangers , would be considered taboo, too personal or just plain idiotic (haha).

I have already classified my older posts to fit the new sections so that it will be easier to find them.  For now, the posts are divided into two major Sections: COUNT ME IN and IT’S ALL IN THE MIND.

COUNT ME IN.  This is where you will find my attempts at being a gadget freak, food critic and movie buff. The posts here will involve my thoughts on the latest gadgets I own or want to own, restaurants and food I fancy and movies/tv shows I’ve seen or want to see.

As frequently as I can, I will give you guys my insights on movies and tv shows (whether past or present) that have captured my interest, complete with favorite scenes and unforgettable quotes.

Tech Tuesdays will involve posts about anything that uses 1’s and 0’s as its primary language.

Isn’t this self explanatory? Haha. Food Fridays will center on anything and everything food-related whether it be my vain attempts to overcook Bobby Flay or my delusions of becoming a well known food/restaurant critic.

IT’S ALL IN THE MIND. These include thoughts and opinions on life, love, health, the gay life and everything else in between, such as:

FIT N’ RIGHT

Here, I will discuss my attempts at finding a healthier lifestyle (yeah, right).

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Being a Taurean has blessed me (or cursed me, depends on how you look at it) with an innate and insatiable curiosity to “figure things out”. When I was a kid, I would take apart my toys and try to reassemble them, in the hopes of finding out what makes them tick.  As I grew up, I turned my idle and curious mind to figuring out people and relationships. This is what this section is all about.

THE PINK LIFE

The Pink Life posts normally go hand in hand with Random Thoughts posts, with one special limitation.  Pink Life posts are random musings about gay life and it’s adventures (or misadventures).

As if I couldn’t get any gay-er (hahaha). For the fans of the Series, or those who were able to sit through a whole episode, you’d know that Carrie Bradshaw always begins the episode with a question which  then becomes the central theme for that episode.  The posts for the SATC Saturdays section will be my attempt to answer Carrie’s questions with a Pink twist.

So there you have it folks! I hope you enjoy these new sections, just as much as I will have fun writing them.

Check back once in awhile! See ya!

’nuff said.

things to come…

Over the past month or so, I’ve been porting over my blog posts from my old blog, Blogger to WordPress.  It was a daunting task, having had to port over more than 60 posts and not to mention check my grammar (haha).

Anyhow, expect new things to come, new categories and new exciting stuff to breathe life to an almost 6-year old blog.

Catch you later!

cosmo body update…

Okay, it’s been about close to a month since I’ve started taking Cosmo Body. I’ve already finished one bottle and I’m on my second.

People have really noticed the weight loss, even people at work who see me everyday, who normally won’t noticeweight loss until its glaring because they see you everyday.

Back then when I started gaining the weight and going up sizes, I took all my smaller sized clothes and those that did not fit anymore and put them in a box. Just last weekend, I sifted through my boxes and tried on some of my clothes and they fit!!!  Not all of them fit though, but it was such a treat to be able to wear almost half of my “stored” skinny clothes. My pants are also a bit loose now.

To date, I’ve lost about 14 lbs already. I know the weight loss isn’t that big since I already lost about 10 lbs in one week, but I stopped looking at the weighing scale now and started focusing on how my body looks and my clothes fit.

This is so exciting!

your song…

You sometimes forget how a song has made such an impact on you at one point in your life until you hear it again. Just recently, I was at the smoking lounge of my office building when an all too familiar song played on my iPod. It was “Love Me For What I Am” originally sung by the very talented Karen Carpenter. I was listening to the version of Martin Nievera and I couldn’t help but be transported to that point in my life when the song was so apt and fitting. Knowing that an “emo” moment was about to come, I smiled to myself and shrugged the memories away. I told myself that I wasn’t in the same situation anymore… heck, I’m in a better place now.

It’s amazing how a song – whether it be a love song, pop song, or any other type of genre – can capture life’s moments and tell a story in 3-4 minutes. Songs have been written about love, sacrifice, family, religion, and even war. Unless you’re melophobic (read: fears/hates music) songs have been a part of our lives from the time we hear our first lullaby, down to the last song sang to us during our farewell services (eek, morbid much?).

While I tried my best to suppress the memories brought about by hearing the song,  the song did make me think about two couples (friends of mine) who are currently in a similar situation I found myself oh so many years ago. One couple couldn’t even admit to themselves that their relationship was over and the other couple is at a crossroads of their relationship and are deciding whether they should break up or remain together, despite the miles separating them.  They all have ideas of how their partners should act, how the relationship should progress and what the relationship should be at this point in time.  All of them fail or unconsciously refuse to compromise their ideals and they are left frustrated.  It reached a point that they couldn’t love each other for just what the other could offer.  It’s not their fault at all… it’s just how things have become.

I pray to God I’m wrong and they fix things, but I’m sure that no matter what happens to my friends, they will find a song that when they listen to come a few years after, they will think back and remember this point of their lives.

So what’s your song?

’nuff said.

cosmo body day 8: the results…

For 7 days I tried my best to be faithful to the Cosmo Body 7-Day Challenge. Save for the last day where all hell broke loose, I think I was able to stay as close as possible to the prescribed  meal plan. I stepped on the weighing scale with so much anticipation I felt like I was watching the final results show of American Idol.

Guess how much I lost?

(drum roll, please…)

10 lbs!!!!

I couldn’t describe what I was feeling when I saw the needle stop at 180 lbs.  You can rest assured that I’m not stopping at 10 lbs. I’ve been going to the gym religiously for about two weeks now and so far people have started noticing the weight loss. My clothes also fit better now. (yay me!)

I know I could have lost a lot more if I didn’t pig out when I went to the province, but I realized that couple of pounds not lost is nothing compared to seeing my mom smile while I was wolfing down the meal she slaved over in anticipation for my homecoming.

So here’s hoping I continue the weight loss. Anybody care to join me on this journey?

cosmo body day 7: all diet hell breaks loose…

Er, a little dramatic huh?

Day 7 was a Saturday and I went home to the province to visit my mom.  I make it a point to go to the province every time the Government declares a long weekend holiday.  What I didn’t know was that Day 7 was the day when all diet hell broke loose. While on the way to the province, I mentally promised myself that I wasn’t going to eat anymore and stick to my diet. My family is aware of my uh, diet experiments and they’ve been quite supportive of them.

When I got home at about 9 p.m., I found out that my mom cooked Turbo Broiled Liempo for dinner and Misua Soup (uh-oh). A few minutes of smelling a home-cooked meal and I could feel all my strength and resolve slowly waft away.  I  told myself that I was just going to eat a small portion not to hurt my mom’s feelings (she kept telling me that she decided to cook Turbo Broiled Liemp and Misua Soup because she knew I haven’t had a decent meal for a couple of weeks). What appeared to be small bites turned into a big serving and I even helped myself to seconds… and thirds.

I thought to myself quietly… “uh-oh there goes the Cosmo Body 7-day Challenge!” Truth be told, I did enjoy the dinner and what I enjoyed most about it, is that I made my mom happy. So I stopped worrying about the diet and just enjoyed the company of my family.

Next up… the RESULTS!!

cosmo body day 6: all the beef and veggies i can eat…

Finally, feast day has arrived! woohoo!

For Day 6, I can eat all the Beef and veggies to my heart’s content. I decided to go all the way and my boyfriend and I went to Sweet Inspirations at Katipunan Ave where I ate all you can eat Mongolian Bowl.

Okay okay, before you raise your arms in protest, my bowl was just all Beef and veggies. No rice, noodles, no pork, chicken, or even fish. So basically, it’s really just sauteed beef and veggies. But boy, was it really good! As much as I wanted to eat a lot, I was only able to finish about two half-filled bowls

For tomorrow, day 7, its supposed to be brown rice, fruit juices and veggies.  Let’s see how I fare.

cosmo body day 5: beef & tomatoes…

Okay, so Day 5’s meal plan consists of two 10 oz. beef and six tomotoes. At first I thought, 10 oz. wasn’t a lot, but when I converted it to kilograms, it’s roughly about 1/2 a kilo.  I already bought hamburger patties at the grocery and decided to cook them with the tomatoes. I sauteed them with garlic power, white and black pepper.

Believe me, it tastes better than it looks. hehe. It sorta tastes like keema (one of those grilled beef thingies at persian/kebab places).

For dinner I bought beef strips from the grocery and marinated it with garlic powder, calamansi and lots and lots of pepper. I fried it with canola oil and after that, I took out most of the oil and used it to stir-fry the veggies (bell peppers, tomotaoes and mushroom). Now, this sounds a lot better in theory than how it turned out (hahaha). The beef turned out a bit tough because I let it fry for too long, and the stir fried veggies were uh, tasteless.

Day 6 is a feast day because I can eat all the beef and veggies I want. yay!

cosmo body day 4: bananas & milk…

I can’t believe how fast time flies! I’m on the 4th day of the Cosmo Body 7-Day Challenge! The meal for Day 4 consists of eight (8) bananas, two (2) glasses of milk and supposedly the Special Soup.

I didn’t have time to cook the special soup and I couldn’t find the Lipton Onion Soup pack required to make it, so I decided to make good with the banana-milk combination. Also, since I don’t drink milk, I again decided to deviate from the plan and got myself Selecta Choco. Selecta Choco was the one with the least number of calories then other brands.

So I went to the gym again tonight and after a good work out, I weighed myself again.

(drum roll please…)

I lost a total of 7 lbs as of today!!!!

I’m very happy at how the lbs just seem to melt away. I told myself when I started the 7-day Cosmo Body Challenge that I wouldn’t count the lbs and just base the weight loss on how my body looks, which has always been my motto regarding weight loss. I always believed that weight is not that important as one can weigh heavily but still look great because of big bone structure, muscle weight, etc. But man, I just can’t help looking at the scale and get excited when I weigh myself.

cosmo body day 3: veggies and fruits…

Day 3 of the 7-Day Cosmo Body Challenge is about a mixture of the day 1 and 2 allowed food intake, which are fruits and veggies.

I started my day with DOLE apple slices I bought from 7-11. For lunch, I bought a mixed greens salad with vinaigrette dressing. For dinner, I deviated slightly from the meal plan. hehe.

I was at the mall when I passed by Mongolian Quick Stop. I was really hungry and couldn’t help myself. So I bought a Green and Lite Mongolian Bowl which consist of all the vegetables you can heap on your bowl. I opted out of noodles and rice. I didn’t really feel that guilty while eating it because I figured that it was just like eating sauteed veggies.

Will weigh in tomorrow and post my progress. *excited*

cosmo body day 2: veggies…

So… I’m on my second day of the Cosmo Body Challenge and again, so far so good. Day 2 is all about veggies.

For breakfast, I had a large baked potato which I bought from Oliver’s Super Sandwiches. I had to order mine special since Oliver’s doesn’t offer plain baked potato as part of it’s regular menu. I asked the Oliver’s people to just put little butter and season it with a pinch of salt and pepper for the added taste.

For Lunch and Afternoon snacks, I ate mixed greens salad with vinaigrette dressing. Again, I bought the salads from Oliver’s, since most of the restuarants near the office did not offer vinaigrette dressing.

Today was way harder than yesterday. Although I enjoy eating salads, I normally have meat/seafood mixed in with the veggies which make the salad more fulfilling and make me feel less like a goat (*chuckle*). Today however, I could only eat the leafy green vegetables and couldn’t mix it with anything. I was really tempted to add grilled chicken, which is very low in calories, but decided I needed to stick to the meal plan if I wanted to achieve the best results.

By late afternoon, I was really hungry and knowing that I was going to the gym later made me want to eat something for the energy. I was bent on buying a low fat chicken hotdog at 7-11. I chose to buy Dole apple slices instead. I told myself that if I was going to deviate from the meal plan, it was better to eat a fruit than the chicken hot dog.

I went to the gym to do some light cardio and boy was I in for a surprise. Since I started taking cosmo body yesterday, I didn’t really experience the profuse sweating that some people have experienced, and I was wondering if Cosmo Body was effective for me. A couple of minutes in the spinner (bike used for spinning classes) and I was surprised to find out that I was totally drenched! My hair was flat on my head and my clothes clung to my body. I looked like someone who just came in from the rain.

After a very good work out, I decided to face the weighing scale and see if there’s any progress…
…
…
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As it turns out… I lost 3 pounds!!! Yay me! I hope this keeps up so I can achieve my 10 lbs weight loss by this coming Sunday.

*fingers crossed*

cosmo body day 1: fruits…

Day 1 starts with eating all kinds of fruits except bananas.

The Cosmo people suggest eating lots of melons. Since I’m not a big melon lover, I started my day with a pack of pre- Melons I bought from the grocery and mixed it with DOLE Tropical Fruit Cups just to add a bit of flavor.

So far so good… (yeah right). I went to the mall after cleaning my apartment and I was suddenly very aware that I was surrounded by soo may kinds of food and how much I wanted to give in to the temptation. It’s funny how everything looks so tasty when you’re constrained to a specific meal. hehehe

With much resolve, I held my ground and was able to fend off the cravings by buying a fruit shake (with no syrup).

Tomorrow’s going to be veggie day. (ugh, can’t wait.)

the 7-day challenge…

I’ve finally done it!!

Okay okay… what exactly have I done this time, you ask?

Well, I have successfully let my body go and the allowed all the hard work I did about two years ago to go down the drain. Darnit!

In an attempt to regain my uh, previous glory, I attempted to do a no-rice, meat only on weekends diet. That ship has sunk and I am on to a new experiment.

While mindlessly surfing through the net a couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a forum about a L-Carnitine and Green Tea capsule called “Cosmo Body”.

Cosmo Body is a new diet supplement that uses high concentrations of L-Carnitine and Green Tea as slimming agents.  This combination claims to convert stored fat in your body to energy. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for about a year or so, you probably have seen varied food and/or beverage products which appear to be fortified with L-Carnitine. The L-Carnitine craze was made more popular when Del Monte released its L-Carnitine infused drink, “fit n’ right”.

Those who used and still use Cosmo Body swear that they lost a couple of pounds and inches within two week’s use. After reading so many testimonials, I decided to do some further research and was convinced that the product appears legit. It was while researching about Cosmo Body that I discovered the distributor/manufacturer’s website, which also included a 7-day weight loss challenge.

The 7-day challenge is designed for a target weight loss of 10-17 lbs per week. I was like whoa! Maybe this is just the nudge I need to begin regaining (or in my case, uh losing) the unwanted pounds and love handles I’ve gained over the past year. I intend to follow the meal plan as close as possible, and see what happens.

Okay, so just to be able to track my progress, I took the following measurements:

Weight: 190 lbs
Waist: 37 inches (whoa!)
Chest: 42.5 inches.

With giddiness mirroring only that of a child in anticipation of opening a gift on Chirstmas, I begin my Cosmo Body experiment starting with Day 1 tomorrow. I’ll post updates as the experiment progresses.

Here’s hoping that I lose a couple of inches after this experiment! Can’t wait to post the results after 7 days!.

Wish me luck! Anybody care to join me?

the pink slip: do gay men cheat because they’re gay or is it because they’re men?

” Gay men cheat not because we’re gay, but because we’re men”

I heard this line while watching an episode of Queer as Folk (USA). It got me thinking whether there was a nugget of truth to this statement. Sex (or the appreciation thereof) has always been different for men and women, whether gay or straight. Most, if not all men can separate sex from emotions, while most women cannot. Could this be the biological and sociological reason why a lot of Gay relationships do not last as long as heterosexual relationships?

Before I proceed further with my attempt to deconstruct cheating in gay relationships, or what I fondly call the “Pink Slip“, let me narrow down the meaning of the Pink Slip as “an overt act, which usually involves, but is not limited to, sexual relations with a person other than the person with whom you have a current monogamous relationship with, where such overt act is clearly antithetical to the concept of a platonic relationship.” Simply put, I am limiting cheating to those situations where an overt act is already/being committed with the aim of starting/pursuing “something”. None of that emotional cheating crap.

To answer the question posted at the beginning of this entry, my honest opinion and belief is that gay men cheat not because we’re gay, but because we’re men (note my use of the pronoun “we’re”. Yup, I am including myself in this).

From what I’ve read, observed from friends, and learned from personal experiences, most, if not all Men are visual and more physical when it comes to attraction. The need is more urgent, and the want more primal. I’m not saying that Men are just mindless animals with perpetual hard-ons. What I’m saying is that it doesn’t take much to stimulate a guy, whether he plays for the “straight alliance” or the “rainbow coalition”. Even those who have aclimated to a higher state and can control their “urges”, cannot deny that the arousal/attraction is still there. They are just more capable of control than most of us uh, mere mortals.

When you consider all of that and put two men in a relationship, you get an inkling of why Pink Slips happen a lot.  Add to that the fact that as opposed to straight relationships, gay relationships do not have the binding effect and legal consequences of marriage which can be a factor to deter other men from “window shopping” or “undressing the mannequin” in a manner of speaking.

So what does this epiphany, if I might call it such, bring us? Well, I for one, view gay relationships with an open mind, not with the romanticized notion of how things should be, unlike when I first started entering into relationships. Back then, I was a staunch advocate of monogamy and accepted neither deviation nor compromise from the “one-woman-man” or to be more appropriate, “one-man-man” ideology.

What changed? Well, I saw the other side of the coin. I was in a relationship when I felt a very strong attraction to this guy. Although I never did anything to act on such feelings, I realized that adhering to my concept of what a relationship should be was not as clear cut as I had thought all along. At first I was able to justify it using raging teenage hormones, but as I grew older, the experiences intensified until it culminated to my first tryst. I was guilty and ecstatic at the same time. How could I have done something so despicable? It dawned on me that the more I denied my psychological and sociological make up as a man, the greater the risk of the tryst happening again.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in monogamy. I still believe in being the only man for the right man. But I’m not so much hung up on the idea that I would end a great relationship over a one-time romp in the sack. I then formulated a rule which I applied and still apply to my relationships.

I tell my significant other, “Not more than once with the same guy“. To forestall crazed monogamists from hurling stones at me, let me clarify. This is not a license for him to sleep around with as many guys as he wants, provided nothing or no one is done twice. The rule allows an exception to the “monogamy” clause and exempts from its operation, Pink Slips brought about by urges which despite best efforts, could not be tempered. There are just those days that no matter how hard you try to be a good boy, you slip and out comes the, uh “arsenal”.

Why not more than once you ask? Well, based on human behavior, my pink theory is that “one goes back for something one likes“. The spontaneity of the act is proved by the frequency of it happening. Simply put, if my significant other did it with the same guy more than once, that means that by the second, third or nth time they did it, there was an active and conscious decision on his part to pursue the tryst. It is no longer spontaneous, impulsive and brought about by mere physical attraction or the lack of physical access to me.

I guess i’m just being realistic. I’m not saying that when the affair does happen, I won’t be affected by the sting of betrayal, because I know I will be. But like I said, I am not about to throw in the towel on a good relationship just because of a momentary lapse in good judgment.

A word of caution though, this rule is not for everyone’s consumption. If you are where I was before and do not wish to compromise on monogamy, then you have every right to continue with such disposition. After all, we alone are the stewards of our own lives, destinies and of course, relationships.

of vows and ceremonies…

Last Saturday, a very close friend of mine recently gave up her “single” status and bit the bullet. During the ceremony, I was surprised to find myself getting teary-eyed and emotional. She’s the first of my closest friends to say their “I Do’s“, two others are slated to bid their farewell to their single life at the end of this year and another one by January of next year.

As I watched her glide (not in a ghostly, scary way that is.. hehe) through church pews decorated with flowers and sash and towards her married life, I felt the beginnings of an attack by the green-eyed monster. As her friend, I was happy that she, like all women before her, was able to have her Cinderella moment. What I was jealous of, was the fact that she is able to experience one of life’s most important moments, a dream of which, I can’t even concoct for myself.

All through the ceremony, I couldn’t stop myself from wistfully thinking that I’ll never really get to experience marriage the way straight people do. No matter how “out in the closet” I will be, come a few years from now, not everyone will celebrate my union like the people who came out to celebrate my friend’s wedding. For one thing, my government doesn’t even recognize the validity of same sex unions. Even the law governing unions without marriage requires that the same must be between the opposite sex. The best that the Republic can give me is a co-ownership structure. No rights of succession, no spousal preference.

It begs the question though: Do I really need such a ceremony to validate my relationship? My answer, as weird as it may seem, is actually Yes. It’s not only about the ceremony, but the acceptance that goes with it.  I’m not going to make a lengthy discussion on the merits of this issue.  We’ve already heard endless debates about same sex unions, and as proponents of same sex unions argue, it is not an issue of gender, but an issue of a basic human right.

I guess that’s why even though I dreamed of one day finding “Mr. Someone-who-will-be-the-one” (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he’s the guy I’m with right now), I never fantasized of the picturesque wedding, er, commitment ceremony. Since I admitted to myself that I was gay, commitment ceremonies were something that I’ve never seriously considered, and thought of them as just that: a romantic fantasy of an idle and naive mind.

But, who knows right? Like they say, nothing is certain in this world of ours save for death and taxes. Laws and society might just change to include “my people”.  If for nothing else, History has oft times taught us that man’s values and ideals are in a constant flux.

Only time will tell…

the thumpa thumpa…

When I was a bit er, younger, I would go out with my circle of friends to engage in varied activities: dinners, drink nights and of course, bar hopping. Being new to the gay scene and not to mention young, gave me that rush… a feeling of doors (and windows) opening all around me. The world was my playground and I was the proverbial eager and wide-eyed six-year old discovering the joys of the sand box and the swing set. It came to a point that almost every weekend I was at a party or at a bar with my gay friends, talking about sex, ogling cute guys who happen to pass by and trying to catch the attention of someone I fancied for the night.

Photo borrowed from http://flickr.com/photos/doctony/

Fast forward 8-10 years and I find myself in the company of a different and much older set of friends who are mostly straight women and another gay couple. The dinners are still there, but this time more frequent. Drink nights were replaced by food-fests and the bar-hopping reduced to an all night talk-out in a coffee shop or a similar place with mellow music. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and enjoy the time I spend with them talking about a variety of things, from the mundane to the serious, from sex to relationships and even down to our own demons. Its just that I can’t seem to shrug off the feeling that I’m a 28 year old guy living the life of a 40+ year old. I miss the thumpa thumpa of the loud music blasting out of a club’s speakers. I miss the excitement of going inside a dimly lit room, illuminated only by strobe lights and halogen lights conspicuously placed at the bar and at other parts of the club. I miss the gyrating bodies and the energy emanating from them. Most of all I miss the bonding you get from drinking sessions which is entirely different from the bonding you get over a shared plate of dessert and/or coffee.

I guess it’s partly my fault because of the company I keep. I mean, I’m the youngest in our group. Most of them are in their mid-30’s and its all but natural that they shy away from these places. They find it too noisy, too busy and not suitable for a conversation. I also think that because I was in a relationship for most of my “younger years” that I never got the fill of the bar scene. Add to that the 4 years I spent in law school poring over law books and case law.

I know that my friends would go to a place like that if I suggested it, but would they have fun? Probably a couple of hours yeah, but they won’t have the stamina to go at it all night, like they have the stamina to talk about problems, issues, sex and what-not. What makes it more frustrating is that since most of my friends are straight single women, they don’t want to go to the same bars that I want to go to. Who can blame them right? The men in “my scene” probably won’t even notice they were there. Heck, I’m even willing to go to a bar proliferated by straight people just so I can feel the thumpa thumpa. But then again, is that enough to satisfy my 28 year old hunger for excitement?

I don’t want to wake up one day to find out that I’m too old to do these kinds of things. I don’t want to end up like those guys you see who are old, weary and who look so out of place in bars. I don’t plan to be an over-the-hill club boy sticking out like a sore thumb in a sea of young men. That’s why I want to go out and experience these things before I get too old to do it. I’m not talking about going to clubs every weekend, but twice or thrice a month wouldn’t hurt either.

So what do I do? Do I need to hang out with people my age more? I don’t know what to do yet. What I do know is this… I need to feel the thumpa thumpa again.

Anybody care to join me?

’nuff said.

a very special movie…

My friends used to kid me for being a sappy romantic and that I fall in love with the idea of love more than my partner. Until recently and probably because of past relationship experiences, I seemed to have lost the concept of love, how it adds that special bounce in your step, how it makes you all giddy inside and mostly, how it feels to be in a loving relationship.

A couple of nights ago, without nothing better to do, I decided to watch the movie “A Very Special Love” which stars Sarah Geronimo and John Lloyd Cruz.  It was actually the second time that I was watching the movie. The first time was with my friends in the cinemas while the second time, I watched a DVD copy I got from one of my friends as a Christmas gift.  When my friends insisted on watching the movie for the first time in a moviehouse, I raised my eyebrows because first off, it had “nonesense kilig” movie written all over it. Secondly, I didn’t quite buy the whole John Lloyed-Sarah love team, since at that time, John Lloyd was paired up with another actress.  Having heard so raves about the movie, I decided to let them drag me. Let’s just say that my interest was piqued to say the least.

I really liked the movie the first time I saw it and I was surprised that I still felt the same way the second time I saw it. Admittedly, there were uber cheesy moments made that me cringe while watching, but these moments were completely overshadowed by the earnestness of the movie, the humor of the script, a very well compiled and well placed soundtrack, and the good mix of characters (and actors) that made it all work.

There were no over-the-top lines, none of those overly dramatic scenes and none of the cookie-cut-out elements that seem to plague Filipino love stories (oh wait, there was that “I’m Sorry” scene that although endearing, was too chocolatey sweet for me).

I’ve always known that John Lloyd was a good actor and he didn’t fail to deliver in this movie, not to mention that he was just too damn gorgeous.  Even though he plays a very cranky and moody individual, his boy-next-door charm just oozes out of him without him even trying.  While we were watching it in the cinema, I could actually hear the audience swoon during his close ups (okay, fine I’m including myself). Sarah on the other hand, surprised me at how adept she was at delivering comedic punch lines. Combined with Matet’s quips, the comedy scenes were just hilarious. You know what they say, it’s harder to do comedy than drama.

Another factor that helped this movie a lot was the soundtrack.  There are times that even if the script is great and the actors deliver it perfectly, the wrong music placed at the wrong time can ruin the experience.  With this movie, the songs were placed at just the right moment to add to the experience.  Below are two of my favorite songs from the movie:

I guess I liked the movie a lot because it made me feel giddy again about love and reminded me how it adds that special bounce to your step. Once in a while, it’s nice to be reminded of how good it feels to fall in love.  It’s hard for me to fall in love with a Filipino love story, but this movie has earned a very special place in my heart.

’nuff said.